Liv. Laff . Luv.

Monday Marriage Minute

2012-03-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

Moni & Angela

Time Flies When it Slows Down

Our time on Maui flew by. I find it ironic that when you arrive there, you tend to slow down. A local bumper sticker says, " Relax, this Ain't the Mainland". We think nothing in California of driving an hour or two to work every day. There, driving the 17 miles from Kihei to Lahaina seems like LA to New York city.

"Mornings from Maui" Feb 13~17

2012-01-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

This Valentine's Day, Monica and I celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary. For the 3rd year in a row, we'll be spending the week on Maui! Our former church, Hope Chapel, is hosting a Better Marriage event - Saturday, Feb 11th, 9-11:45am.

We hope to be televising the event via Ustream on our Better Marriage Today Facebook page...stay tuned.

Radio - wise, we'll be broadcasting our morning show on KAMB 101. 5 FM, from 6-10am, Pacific. Many mahalo's to Candy's Carefree Travel in Modesto for sponsoring our "Mornings from Maui"
( carefreemodesto.com )

Intimacy Issues?

2012-01-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

I spoke at a Small Group leadership training last night at a church ( mahalo Shelter Cove! ) Monica and I love encouraging connection, in marriages...and in the church. As we meet couples, we find many men struggle with intimacy, both with their spouses, and other men. Our culture discourages intimacy, not only through the media ( tv, radio, magazines ), but our escalating social media culture.

Larry Crabb, in his book, Connecting, talks about the joy of the original community - the Trinity.

"Imagine the sheer delight of enjoying perfect relationships with two others with no fear of things turning sour, a community of three cut from the same fabric, yet unmistakably distinct. Imagine three who, without a hint of competitiveness, are absolutely thrilled with the uniqueness of the other two, who will stop at nothing to give each other the opportunity to display their special glory. Imagine a community without even the shadow of evil, with nothing but perfect goodness, where every member can be fully himself without fear of promoting rivalry or releasing something something bad."

Genesis 1:26 begins, "Let us make man in our image, reflecting our nature". Busted. Men long for connection, both in marriage and in relationships with other men. We were created out of community, it's in our DNA. Our families and culture has clouded that, but the truth is in the Word, as always.

Monica and I like to say marriage is God's Plan A to conform us to the imager of Christ. Guys, we can learn so much from our wives. They excel at connecting with other women. Watch , listen and learn.
Find one other man you can be totally honest with, and nurture that relationship.

Deep down we know this. I believe we all sense "echoes of Eden" in ourselves...a time when were were connected to God intimately, before the fall. The band Switchfoot said it well, " We were meant to live for so much more...have we lost ourselves?" We can't go back to the garden, but moving toward deeper connection is moving toward God.

Our New Book is Available!

2011-10-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

At long last, the updated version of our previous book is done, and available now. We originally wrote it prior to speaking at Spirit West Coast several years ago....much has happened since. If you liked the original book, with stories of John Wayne, the DUI in the church van, and other tales of God's amazing grace....

you'll love the Message of the Mini Storage...our Maui adventure, and the last chapter - Lessons Learned & Unlearned. God is faithful, and loves us deeply, even when He appears to disappear, for years ( Chapter 14) . You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe...you'll find hope.

The updated book, "Randy & Monica: How God Healed Our Marriage" is available in paper back at randy and monica.com

Wisconsin Was Awesome, Rock of Ages Festival Here We Come!

2011-10-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

We just returned from a week in Wisconsin, speaking at a marriage retreat for Racine Assembly of God. It was held at Lake Geneva, a beautiful setting. 46 couples came, and we had a great time, sharing in 2 sessions on Saturday...#1 - our story, the hope part...and #2 - Biblical One ness, that whole "the 2 shall become one flesh" thing. Long story short...the path to Biblical oneness is empathy...understanding & entering into your spouses feelings. Sorry guys, wish I had an easy way. We drill down on the "how to" in our workshops...book one now!

This weekend we'll be sharing at the Rock of Ages Festival in Calistoga. We'll be emceeing, doing some comedy, and and marriage stuff....if you're in Nor Cal or the Bay area, come on out for a great day.

The "Me Addiction"

2011-08-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

My good friend, Dr. Glen Villanueva, has a ministry that calls us out on what he refers to as the "Me Addiction." We do a radio feature on KAMB that explores the myriad of ways this insidious addiction seeps into our alleged God First lives.

In our many years of marriage ministry, we have come to realize selfishness is the foundational problem that spawns so many marriage issues. Me Addiction. Those of us in public ministry... be it church, music, radio or TV - struggle with this hourly. We say what we do is to make Jesus famous, but we're also promoting our "brand". It gets a little confusing. Me Addiction.

The Facebook / Twitter phenomenon concerns me ( I actively do both ). The premise is that people must want to know my every thought and trip to the store, or restroom. We are important, we are somebody, and doggone it, people like us....we have lots of friends and followers. Again, in our marriage counseling, we find that image management is such an obsession with couples. Image over substance...image is everything. Me Addiction.

I consider myself a life long learner. I love a good book that motivates me to be better. On Twitter, I follow several branding and leadership gurus, and love their stuff, mostly. Lately, I have been trying to keep up, and find myself unable to...much like Arco AM/PM - "too much good stuff". I find my need to be better sometimes borders on compulsion. Me Addiction?

Singer / Songwriter Bob Kilpatrick, in the Art of Being You, says God doesn't want us better, He wants us dead. Galations 2:20 is a familiar verse, " I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live. Yet not I, but Christ lives in me." It's in the nevertheless I live part that we get it mixed up. Even the most spiritual appearing projects can, and often are, about us. Our need for significance...our broken places...too much caffeine...all combine to get us ahead of Christ.

We will never be free of the Me Addiction. We can be more aware of it, lay it at the Cross when it rears it's ugly head, and move on. Awareness is a big deal....so many aren't even aware. You see, even in that sentence, I think I'm better....Me Addiction!

Update

2011-06-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

Cool stuff going on...the fall is booking up for our 4 hour Marriage Workshops. Date Nights and Sundays are still available....an opportunity to share our story on the Oprah Network is on the horizon, stay tuned!

The 2nd edition of our book is finished, available soon....and I ( Randy) am back at the comedy thing again...or still. I'm available for a limited number of events. Monica and I are having fun on the radio in the morning. Thank you for listening!

Laughter is Like Medicine

2011-04-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

We were doing a marriage seminar yesterday. We talked about John Gottman's "7 Divorce Predictors"...google it for all of them. One that we landed on was "Failed Repair Attempts". When we have a disagreement, and attempt to repair by holding hands or a follow up conversation, and one spouse refuses...that is a failed repair attempt. If this is a recurring theme in your marriage, you may need help.

Monica and I tell the story of having lunch with some friends who were asking us to be involved in a marriage ministry. We were honored and excited. After the lunch, we decided to see a movie. AS we cruised the parking lot, Monica kept pointing out parking spaces and I kept driving. After the 3rd one, I YELLED, " Stop telling me where to park!" Monica was crushed and began to cry.

After we parked she got out and walked fast ahead of me. I was trying in vain to repair what had just happened. As I finally caught up with her, I began laughing. How absurd is this - we had just been asked to help with a marriage ministry, and out of nowhere, we have this blow up. WE both laughed, I asked her forgiveness, and we followed up with a discussion exploring the reasons for the incident. We confessed control issues on both sides played a part....

Successful repair attempt - and laughter played a role. It was indeed, medicine to our marriage.

30th Wedding Anniversary, Valentine's Day 2011

2011-02-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

Sitting in a bungalow of the island of Molokai, as our day begins. We spoke at Molokai Baptist Church yesterday, and have been meeting with couples. Three more today and we'll be back to Maui to celebrate with some good friends tonight.

Thinking about our schedule today, I thought what better way to spend our miraculous 30th wedding anniversary, than to give back to the Lord for what He has done. We were hopeless, and God intervened.
It didn't happen in a day, a week or even a year. Our desperation drove us to Him. As we let Him heal broken places in our hearts, we began to have hope - hope that our marriage could change, based on the new levels of peace and joy we were experiencing individually.

Once we connected on a deeper level, it was so exhilirating that we purposed to never let it go...to cling to the intimacy we so desperately wanted with God and each other. It was ( and is ) work, every day. We humans think that some new epiphany or insight finally gets "there", wherever that is. The truth is, the closer we get to God, the more we are aware of our sinfulness. The good news is, we are completely forgiven, totally loved today and forever. Let God into the broken places in your heart, and begin to Live, Laff, Love.

"Better Marriage Today" Weekend

2011-01-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

What a great day Saturday at Grace Community Church in Madera. ...great turnout, and quality connection. So thankful to Geoff Tipton for inviting us. WE love seeing couples connect with each other as they practice what we teach. Marriage is the primary way God uses to conform us to the image of His Son...it's an adventure worthy of the effort.

The divorce rate in the church is now north of 60%. In our decade of speaking and counseling couples, we've come to the conclusion that at least half of the 40% who don't get divorced are just going through the motions...they've given up...lost heart. They continue to attend church, teach Sunday School, and sadly, in many cases, preach sermons. Our message of Hope and Handles includes the call to let Jesus into the broken places of our hearts. To be honest with God, and our spouses. Honesty is ground zero. As our hearts are healed, we begin to experience the love, joy, and peace we read about.

On to Ceres Christian Church this Saturday...we understand 80 people signed up today!

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers and Randy Zachary

2011-01-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

Cafe Gratitude

2011-01-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

We spent the day in San Francisco recently with our friends from Maui, Dave and Angela. They are what we call our "Go To Couple"... we so love hanging out with them because we can just be ourselves. We laughed, and walked around Pier 39, ATT Park, and the Haight Ashbury. We visited a health food place called the "Cafe Gratitude" ( so very SF ). Dave and Angela, you see, are Vegans.

AS we sat there, I indeed felt gratitude for everything in our lives. Do we have problems? You bet. Do we worry about our children? You bet. Could we use more money? You bet. As I read the inspirational writings on the wall at the Cafe, I was, content. Being with good friends and laughing a lot was therapeutic. As we talked, I was aware of Someone else sitting at the table laughing with us. He was just hanging out at the Cafe Gratitude with us. I thought this must be a glimpse of what Heaven will be like ~ peace, love, joy...forever, in His Presence. I plan to frequent the Cafe Gratitude more often, whether or not I'm in San Francisco.

"God is Always Excruciatingly Slow ".

2010-12-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

AS I sit here today, I'm reflecting on that statement I heard recently..."God is always excruciatingly slow, but never late." This has seemed to be true in our lives. We want change, and we want it now. The journey is part of the preparation for what God has for us....and the journey takes time.

AS our decade in Chico drew to a close in 2004, Monica and I sensed the Lord wanting to use our mistakes and broken-ness to encourage and help others. We threw up a website, got asked to speak at Spirit West Coast, wrote a book...we were off, and ah, walking. While speaking and comedy engagements came in - some significant ( Hume Lake, big conferences ) - we certainly weren't able to travel and speak full time.

I accepted a temporary radio job back in the big leagues - KKLA in LA...surely our marriage ministry would explode in la-la land. Not. Since taking the job permanently meant moving my 8th grade daughter to Burbank, I opted not to. This must have been a test...ok, God, bring it - I passed....you owe me - bring the amazing job... not.

THREE more years would go by, much of that time out of work, committed to staying in Chico. I drove a cab. We managed a mini-storage. As I swept out storage units, the enemy turned up the volume...

" You knew you're a loser...this is how it ends, sweeping out storage units,...hahahaha ( I think I heard him laughing ). Yada, yada, yada, our marriage ministry is thriving...we are back on the air together....it feels like for this we were born. We needed every minute of those 3 years to learn He is all we need.

As I look back at the 3 years when it seemed like God had abandoned us, I remember our deperation for God driving us to our knees, most mornings literally crying out to God. Those times became ( and remain ) the most precious seasons of prayer for us ever, because Jesus showed up in ways He never had before. Isaiah 45:3 says, " I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness - secret riches. I will do this so that you will know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the One who summons you by name."

We still struggled financially. Money didn't rain down. The "riches" I believe are His presence in a way that lets you know He is God, and He loves you deeply. God is always excruciatingly slow - for a reason - but never late. He loves us so much He takes His time, so we press into Him, and know.

Never For Nuthin'...

2010-12-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

Margaret Becker released a song in the 80's, " Never For Nuthin'. I loved it then, and was reminded of it this past weekend. Our 1st " Coats for the Community" Drive took place at Courtesy Chevrolet in Merced. As I drove there I began beating myself up as usual...shoulda' organized the refreshments sooner...coulda' involved more groups. Once I start this, the enemy seems to dog - pile on with his own fear - based thoughts - "The rain is going to keep people away"..." What are people going to say if there's a small turnout?"

I don't audibly hear God speak a whole lot, but this thought came really loud ~ " If the intention is love, it's never for nothing." I instantly relaxed, as a peace came over me. It's never for nuthin' - I could hear Margaret singing. I'm finding more and more, when I start to stress about something - it's about me, mainly what are people thinking about me. When it's really about God, and loving others, there is a peace, because, well - it's not about me!

BTW - we had over 2,000 coats donated and distributed. Hundreds of people who needed coats showed up in the rain, and I re-learned a lesson: He must increase, and I must decrease.

Deeply Loved

2010-12-17T11:15:00.000-08:00

I'm re-reading the Search for Significance by Robert McGee. In it he writes, " You are deeply loved, fully pleasing, totally forgiven, accepted, and complete in Christ." Do we really believe that Jesus loves as as we are, and not as we should be? Newsflash - we'll never be as we should be, to quote Brennan Manning. I dare you to memorize and repeat this sentence hourly...watch the stress and self-loathing melt away at the foot of the Cross. rz

Back to the Future

2010-12-15T00:13:00.000-08:00

What a year. We began 2011 with a call from the Dr. Oz show, asking us to share our story on national TV....so, we flew to New York, and barely escaped the blizzard to fly to Maui for a marriage conference at our former church, Hope Chapel. Yada, yada, yada....here we are blogging again.

Radio and marriage ministry seemed to have once again converged. January 3rd, Moni and I start doing mornings again on KAMB Radio in Central California ( Stockton / Fresno ). Better Marriage Today Seminars are being booked rapidly for 2011...our dream of providing HOPE and HANDLES to couples continues to grow. I love that God uses our mistakes to bless others. Our journey has been an interesting one, like yours... God is faithful. The fact that I wake up to Monica every day is proof that God exists and loves me more than I deserve.